"I love you. I hate myself for it, but I love you. When I'm with you, I have no control over my emotions. I need control in my life. For five years I have been dealing with your crap. I can't take it anymore! I hate that I can't break free! I hate that I hate myself! I hate you! When you aren't there… When you are with me… I love you. I feel nervous, and no matter how angry I was just minutes before, I find myself hoping that you will just take me in your arms and tell me that you love me too. I have given you so many chances, and every time you manage to break my heart all over again. And yet, I can't just leave you alone. I always have to hope that you will change. But you won't… I know you. For five years I have known you, and have you changed? No. So why do I still love you? Jeez, why can't I let go? You never talk to me unless I talk to you first, and it always seems that I catch you at a bad time. You are condescending to me, and I have had it up to here. I decided not to be your friend anymore. That was it. I was free. If I didn't have to see you, I would be able to control whether or not I loved you. Then you did what I had always hoped you would do. You took the initiative. You talked to me. Not only did you talk to me, you apologized! Damnit! Why did you do that? You gave me hope! I know you will never change, but I still have to hope. I know that you didn't talk to me because you love me, or even like me, but my stupid heart thinks that you did! You frustrate me to no end. I hate you. Except when you're around…"

A monologue I wrote some time last year. This was the gospel truth for me. Now... things have changed. I just read over this again, and I know that I felt that way, but I don't now. Some things I read and think, "God, how could I have actually felt like that?" but this... I know I felt this. Other things I don't think I felt the way I believed I did at the time. Those times my judgement was clouded by teenage angst. But this monologue doesn't feel cheesy or empty. The words still have meaning to me. They represent a time when I couldn't get over an old "love." Thinking back, love may have been a bit strong of a word, but I know I thought it was love at the time.

My perception of love has changed. It has more meaning now. I can't describe in words the differences I have found, but I know they are there. I can feel them.

Looking back on this monologue, I feel free. I used to read it and still have my hear rate increase, and I would feel the words again, burning at my soul. Now they are just words. The words of someone who has felt pain. But they aren't my words. I read this monologue as if I was searching the internet trying to find one for my drama class. But I wouldn't choose to recite it, because I know I can no longer relate, and the memorized lines would have no feeling behind them.

Thank you, to the most wonderful person that has come into my life. You have helped me get over the jerk who put me in such pain, and I didn't realize how happy you truly made me until I read this monologue back to myself and had no residual feelings about it.